June 20: Stop Go

"I like Texas 'cause Texas is the only state ballsy enough to have its own toast. I love Texas Toast, but I do not have a Texas Toaster. I've got to stuff that sh*t in." - Mitch Hedberg

I thought that would be a good introduction for today even though today's post has nothing to do with Texas Toast. It is, however, all about my hatred toward Texas traffic lights. I don't get it. Everywhere you go in the United States, the lights are the same. Sure, some of them hang from wires and others are attached to poles that reach over the street, but they're all the same. Red on top, yellow in the middle, and green on the bottom. Ask a kid to draw a traffic light (better ask him to draw a stop light because he probably doesn't know what a traffic light is) and I guarantee he'll draw red on top, yellow in the middle, and green on bottom.

Not in Texas, though! No, sir! Texas lights are horizontal. Red on the left, yellow in the middle, and green on the right. The only part that Texas got right was yellow. That's the part that everyone ignores! I've seen some street lights in other parts of the country that are horizontal, but travel one block down and you'll see that they're back to normal. Not here. Every single light is screwed up. It's not just Austin, either. I have a friend that lives in College Station, TX and she said the lights there are out of whack too.

Can you imagine how difficult my transition to the Texas lifestyle as been because of this debacle? Ever since I could draw, I've been coloring red on top and green on bottom and at the age of 26 I had to suddenly approach intersections completely different! It's been miserable. I'm still not comfortable with it.

What I want to know is how the kids that are raised in Texas survive in other states. They only know horizontal lights. Ask them to draw a stop light and they'll put red on the left and green on the right. Aren't they confused when they read picture books that were published in Vermont? "The grass is green. The sky is blue. The stop light is...what's this? Red on top?! That's not a stop light! I bet the sky isn't even blue!" It's not just traffic lights. Their entire world is flipped over.

Texas needs to change. They can keep their toast and their goofy liquor laws (more on that later). They can keep their y'alls and queso, but leave the traffic lights alone. Don't do it for me. Do it for the children!