July 1: Going Bananas

When you give an incompetent twenty-something an extra day off, exciting things happen. He'll remember the five bananas that he was too lazy to eat and stuffed into the freezer months ago. He'll get the idea to attempt a banana nut bread with his free afternoon and then come to the conclusion that people would want to read about it.

Google "banana nut bread" and you'll get hundreds of recipes. Our subject today found the recipe with the most gold star ratings and followed (sort of) the directions. He made a list of items he needed to purchase which included: sugar, flour, chopped pecans, and eggs. The recipe called for buttermilk, but suggested trying sour milk. Intrigued, our protagonist Googled "how to make sour milk" and found that it was as simple as adding vinegar to 2% (or richer) milk. "I have those things," he thought to himself as Jack Johnson strummed through his computer's speakers. Our friend only drinks 1% milk, but he didn't think the extra percent would make much of a difference.

With his list in tow, he grabbed the keys to his car and made his way to the local grocery store. He grabbed a red hand basket and began his search for the coveted ingredients. In the process, he witnessed an obese woman crash her motorized cart into a shelf of potato chips. As the individually-wrapped snacks fell to the ground and the fat woman looked around helplessly embarrassed he made a mental note to write a blog about the scene.

After using the self checkout, he got back into his vehicle and drove home. He carefully placed his purchases on the counter, washed his hands, and began his preparations. Preheat oven to 350. Check. In a large mixing bowl, mash bananas with a masher. He didn't own a "masher," so he used a fork instead. Check. Mix ingredients with bananas by hand and add one cup of pecans. 2 cups of sugar, 1/2 teaspoon of salt, 2 1/4 cups of flour, 3/4 cups vegetable oil (Does corn oil count? Corn is a vegetable, right?), 3 large eggs (He never was any good at at cracking an egg without smashing it. He didn't think he saw any shells), 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract (Does this stuff ever go bad? He had his extract for quite some time), 1 1/3 teaspoon of baking soda (He didn't have a 1/3 teaspoon so he put 1/4 and a little extra), and 1/4 cup of buttermilk [sour milk]. Check. Because of his cheapness, he had purchased the smallest bag of chopped pecans which resulted in just more than half a cup. Check.

Proud of himself for making it this far, he washed his hands once more and began squeezing, kneading, and molding the smorgasbord of ingredients through his fingers. Because the bananas were frozen to begin with, they were still very cold which led our storied idiot to quickly change mixing methods. He withdrew a whisk from the nearest drawer and proceeded to stir the solidifying mess. As he held the bowl under his left arm and stirred with this right, he felt like a professional cook. A Julia Childs or Curtis Stone, if you will.

Because he didn't actually own a loaf pan, he was forced to divide the dough between two shallow, glass pans. He greased the pans and placed them side by side in the oven before setting the oven's timer to one hour; just like the recipe told him to.

As the hour ticked away, he sat down at his computer, turned up the volume on the music and proceeded to write a blog in the third person on the events of the afternoon. The aroma of bananas and pecans filled the room as he typed away. Just as he was finishing the post, he went to check on the status of his hard work. He opened the oven door and slowly submerged a knife into the bread before retrieving it. A lack of remnants on the utensil told him that the loaf was done. He then pulled both pans from the center rack, placed them on the stove top, and turned the oven off.