July 8: Original Prankster

Years ago (and I mean years ago) I was enrolled in an after-school latchkey program. My parents didn't want me being at home alone while they finished the work day so they had me go to the local community center where other children would go to wait for their parents to come and pick them up. While I was there, I would do my homework and take part in other recreational activities with my friends.

One of the staff members at the community center was a guy named Joe. I don't know how old he was or if that was his only job, but I remember three things about him. The first was that he was a huge Dodgers fan. The second was that he was a fan of the Eagles. The third thing I remember about Joe, and in my opinion the coolest, was that he had a retainer with a fake tooth attached to fill in a space in his smile.

I remember Joe had been working at the community center for quite some time before I made the discovery. A few of us were eating our afternoon snacks in the nearby park and Joe was sitting at the table with us. He looked at me, smiled, and his front tooth magically descended slowly from his gums before retreating back into its place.

I was floored. How cool was that?! He had a guaranteed laugh wherever he went. I just couldn't understand why he would wait so long before showing it off to us. I remember thinking that if I was fortunate enough to have such a device in my mouth, I would show it off at every possible opportunity.

As the years passed, I've matured. I no longer yearn for dentures for the sake of getting people to laugh. Instead, I've moved on to wanting a prosthetic eye. Think about it the possibilities! If you have a good one, you get by without anyone ever really noticing; just aim it forward. When in the right mood, however, a glass eye would be a perfect prank.

Aim it off-center and you have a hilarious case of Amblyopia. Take it out and you're a pirate. Slowly roll it across a table and you've got dining room chaos! Slip it into a roommate's bowl of Cheerios or use it in a game of marbles. The possibilities are endless!

I haven't seen Joe in fifteen years so I don't know if he's still up to his old tricks. For his sake, I hope he found a decent job so he could get his teeth fixed. For my sake, I hope he had an eye gouged out so he could experience the joys that a glass eye could bring. If I can't have one, I strongly believe Joe would be the next best person.