January 22

Whatever happened to the good old-fashioned handshake? It was so simple. I'm out on the town and I see a friend. We approach each other, extend our right arms with hands open, grasp the other's hand, give a firm squeeze and maybe throw in a little up and down action. Release the grip and we're through. That's it. Nothing else. What was wrong with that? It's become such a show.

I'm pretty sure that the evolution of the handshake started with "slapping skin." This was where the two members approached each other with right arms extended and hands open. Just as they were about to grasp, they would keep their hands open, hold their palms together, and slide their hands back. This act usually incorporated something along the lines of, "Hey, man! Slap me some skin." They would then usually fall into each over in fits of hysterical laughter. They knew it was ridiculous, but they didn't care. They were young and free.

After skin slapping, the young kids went back to handshakes, but they got rid of the up and down pump, held on longer and added a hug. It was one continuous act though. No handshake, break, and hug. It was a handshake, hang on, pull me into you while still hanging on, wrap the left arm around and slap the back a few times before letting go. This choice is still very popular, but I feel it's used more in the brociety. Those who dress in Ed Hardy and can bench a thousand pounds love this greeting. Guys that drive lifted trucks with silhouettes of naked angels and devils on the back windows love this greeting. Be careful with this one though. You will lose any and all credibility if you laugh while partaking in this salutation.

I don't like the wrap-around shake, but I can deal with it. I'm not wild about all the hugging and the close proximity it puts me in with other people, but I've learned to adapt. What I can't stand is the next form of acknowledgment in handshake evolution. This is the slap and pound. Two guys approach each other, right arms extended, hands open, they go into a skin-slap, but as soon as touch is broken, they clench fists and end with a light bump of the fists. No laughing. What is this? Skin slapping was funny because it was absurd, but now we're adding a bump? That's not funny. That's not cool. It's idiotic. It's confusing and bizarre. It's socially acceptable.

The slap and pound was the last faze before our current era of greeting. The simple fist bump. No precursory skin-slap necessary. Even President Obama is doing this one. That's what makes him so cool. Look at him! He's bumping his clenched fist with that lady. What? Oh, that's his wife? That's cool. Man, he's so damn hip! How dumb do I feel when someone comes up to me with his clenched fist? I'm supposed to entertain this guy by bumping my fist with his? This is friendship? I'm pretty sure it's impossible for me to bump a dude's fist without sarcastically saying, "Pound it." Just to add to the lunacy of the act, I slowly pull my hand back and spread my fingers after the bump. Sometimes I'll even make a little explosion sound as my hand slowly falls to my side. My hand is a firework. Get it?!

The problem with the whole handshake phenomenon is that the evolution from each acceptable form of greeting has taken a maximum of ten years to get to this point. That's a very short amount of time and it doesn't allow us to faze one out before moving on. Some people (myself being one of them) still prefer the original handshake. The bros are using the wrap-around shake while some jokers are slapping skin. How am I supposed to react when I run into someone that I know? What is he going to go for? I always screw it up. Here's my handshake, I offer. Oh, you want a hug too? The timing is all wrong. He pulls me in, but I wasn't ready. Awkward.

There are so many different types of greetings that I didn't even mention. Wiggling finger tips together. Slapping palms through one another only to come back and slap the tops of hands with a fist-bump ending? I do however enjoy approaching a friend, slapping a high-five as we pass and follow through with a low-five behind our backs as we continue on our way. That's a good one. I feel an extra sense of confidence after a successful high-five/low-five passing.

Let's be honest, though. Don't we all feel a little nutty trying to guess which greeting to use? Let's just do each other a favor and stick with the original. There wasn't anything wrong with it. Sure, you had some weak shakes and some "Oh, my God you just broke my hand!" shakes, but at least to the outsider, we looked like we knew what we were doing. Stop with the fist bump and all of the others. I don't care what Obama deems as cool.