January 21

The wait is over. After spending countless nights wringing my hands in frustration, I can finally relax. My hairline has recessed and the color is now sprinkled with gray from all of the stress that I’ve gone through these past few years. I’ve lost sleep, weight, and friends. My eyes have been bloodshot and my skin has yellowed, paled, and peeled. But all that’s about to change. I can finally go on with my life because I now know who has Googled me.

I was doing my thing on Facebook the other night when I came across the ad that has changed my life. “Who Has Googled You? Enter your name at MyLife to see who has searched for you!” There was even an option for me to "like" the marketing campaign; which, of course, I did. Immediately.

I ended my Facebook chats, stopped my wall-posts mid-post, sold the Farmville and logged off. I went right over there to the good folks at MyLife and, you guessed it, entered my name. The results were shocking. They were unbelievable and mind boggling.

The way it works is you enter a name and MyLife creates a list of all the people that have entered that particular name in the Google search engine. It lists all the searchers by the number of times he or she has searched the name and it goes down in descending order.

The first name was no surprise at all. With one hundred and thirty-three Google searches for the name Brandon Roesler, was none other than Brandon Roesler. I Google myself quite often just see what I’ve been up to. Who have I been hanging out with? What events in my past have played significant roles in shaping who I am? Nobody knows these answers better than Google.

The second name was not really a shock either. My mom (ironically posted by MyLife as “Your mother”) has Googled me forty-two times. Mothers will be mothers and she’s just concerned about me. I can understand that. She wants to make sure I’m ok and that I’m taking care of myself.

Third on the list took me by complete surprise. Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa has Googled Brandon Roesler exactly forty times. I’ve never been to Iowa, but I guess because I’m such a big supporter of the whistleblower laws, he wanted to know more about me. That’s cool. Whatever.

My fourth biggest supporter was some girl named Tammy Chung from San Francisco. She’s Googled me thirty-eight times. I wanted to know more about Tammy, but didn’t want to Google her because I didn’t want a place on her list. So I guess I’ll never know.

MyLife reported my ex-girlfriend as number five on the list with thirty-one searches. This one was a little surprising to me. I would have thought she would have been higher on the list because I get at least three texts a day from this chic. I’ve come home twice to find pictures of her taped to my front door. Based on these two examples alone, I’m flummoxed that she didn’t land ahead of Chuck, but that’s what makes life so much fun. It’s just hard to predict sometimes.

Number six brought a smile to my face. You’ll never guess who has Googled me fewer times than only five people. I don’t even think anyone would believe me if I told them that this person was such a big fan of mine. In fact, I’m not going to waste my time or yours by telling you who it was.

MyLife only provides the top seven people before making you pay for a subscription. I haven’t been making much money at work lately so paying the $39.95 fee isn’t very feasible for me right now, but I digress.

With twenty-six searches of the name Brandon Roesler and sole possessor of the seventh spot was Mark Burnett. For those of you who don’t know, Burnett is the Executive Producer for Survivor. I’ve audition for the show eight different times and he’s Googled my name twenty-six times. That’s right! Twenty-six! Two. Six. I don’t even need to be on the show anymore. This is good enough for me! Cross that one off my bucket list!

So the excitement is over. I know the top seven people that have used Google to search my name. I have to admit: It’s a good feeling. I have a sense of ease about me that I haven’t experienced in quite some time. Life feels a little slower and more at peace. I can breathe easier and it will definitely be nice to get a good night’s sleep in tonight.

I want to take this time to thank MyLife for coming up with a way for me to find out who has Googled me. While I’m at it, I want to thank Facebook for selling valuable ad space to MyLife. For those of you that I had to prematurely end Facebook chats with, I apologize but my life is complete now that I know who has Google me. Thanks again, MyLife!