January 14

The term "Extrasensory Perception " or "Sixth Sense" has been around for a while. People use it all the time. Haley Joel Osment used it as an excuse for his hallucinations. On Seinfeld, George Costanza claimed to have a sixth sense about finding a good deal to which Jerry replied, "Cheapness is not a sense." Some people are convinced they are able to predict the weather while others can count cards. I don't really have a sixth sense, so-to-speak, but I do have the uncanny ability to choose the wrong line in any type of store.

It never fails. I could go to the grocery store, survey all of the check stands, make my decision based on what the customers in each line have and how many people there are, and I always choose the wrong line. Whatever line I decide on comes to an abrupt halt as soon as I take my place behind the last person. It doesn't matter if I'm in a hurry or if I have all day. Once I step into that line, something will go wrong.

Just the other day I was at Wal-Mart. All of the check stands that were available had about the same number of people waiting to make transactions. I chose the line that had the least amount of items to be purchased by the customers. I had other things on my mind that day, so I didn't realize until about ten minutes later that I hadn't even taken one step forward the entire time I had been waiting.

Either the man at the front of the line didn't know how to use his credit card or the machine wasn't accepting it. Whatever the case, all of the other lines that I could have been in already had a new group of people waiting. If I had selected a different line, I could have been on my way home by then. Of course I couldn't just take my things to a different check stand because, like traffic, as soon as I were to move, my original line would speed up and still beat me.

Now I understand that things happen and things go wrong, but the fact that I always choose that one particular line is amazing to me. Sometimes I'll even use the "10 Items or Less" line (which I hate doing because I feel like I'm encouraging poor grammar) and somehow that gets screwed up as well.

I've tried picking lines based on race and creed, lines with fat people, skinny people, people kids, senior citizens, and people my age. I've tried determining the average level of intellect of the customers waiting. It doesn't matter. Whichever line I choose is the wrong one.

I've considered doing all of my shopping online. I wouldn't be in line, I would be online. That would still cause me to wait an extra day to get my things only to find that the postman came on a day that I wasn't at home. I would be right back at square one where I would have to go and wait in line at the post office. Maybe as soon as I decide what I'm actually doing with my life, I'll be able to afford to have someone wait in line for me and I'll let them deal with the problem.

The bottom line is this: If you and I ever go to a store together and you want to wait as long as humanly possible, just ask me which line I think will be the fastest. Trust me, I've got a sixth sense about these sort of things.