March 29: Happy Friggin' Birthday

Everything was going great until the waiter brought out the dessert. His face was illuminated as he slowly approached the table with his right hand in front of his tray and six other servers with mischievous smiles following his lead. Once the group had formed an inescapable semi-circle behind me, the people I was there with that I once considered friends joined the servers in the worst tradition in the world: The Birthday Song.

Is there not a more annoying custom? When else do your friends sing together a song directed at you? The Birthday Song is not even a song that the recipient can join in on. It's not a song that you can dance to either! You have to sit there and take it. You have to sit there and feign enjoyment and interest. Little kids, in all of their innocent youth, are the only ones that know how to properly take it. They close their eyes and obnoxiously direct the singers as if they're maestros of a famous symphony. It's a boring repetition of four words until a name is thrown in preceded with a "dear" to put a personal spin on a catastrophe of a melody.

I hate having family and friends sing it at me (and, yes, that is the appropriate preposition) but I hate singing it at other people even more. I can't carry a tune to save my life so I've always been super self-conscience about singing in all seriousness. Most of you reading this know that I love to sing random songs, but if you think about it, the songs I sing are never in key and I rarely actually know the lyrics. Getting the lyrics to The Birthday Song is anything but difficult, but I feel like I ought to try when singing it which makes me hate it that much more.

Fortunately, I have worked for three restaurants that did not require me to sing to my tables. If I had to approach a table with a group of servers every shift and act interested with each birthday, I would seriously consider doing something drastic. The song should be eliminated. Nobody can deny that "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" was the last acceptable occasion-based song to sing in someone's honor, but it is no longer a popular tradition and The Birthday Song should follow its exit.

Is it not enough that we buy each other drinks, dinners, and presents? We have to sing an awful song to you too? After all, it's our special day and being humiliated in a restaurant does not appeal to me. On my birthday, I'm satisfied with an obligatory Facebook wall-post. Nothing else, thank you.



Listening to Mozart.