I'm paraphrasing, but he/she began with, "I used to do some stupid sh*t when I got drunk. This one time, I was pissed off at the person I was seeing and I was super drunk. I can't remember what we were arguing about, but I told him/her that I was going to prove my point by diving through my car window. I really thought that the stunt would show him/her. I started running full-sprint towards my Nissan Sentra and with my arms glued to my sides, I tucked my head down, jumped and smashed through the driver's side window."I could not stop laughing. My sides literally ached as he/she described in fine detail his/her behavior. He/she had to be rushed to the hospital, but I still would have loved to have seen it.
A few weeks ago, I had to drive a friend home from a bar because he/she was too drunk to drive. Upon entering the apartment, he/she just had to show me this plate that was given as a gift. He/she barely stumbled to the shelf to retrieve the prized possession before exclaiming, "Look at this plate. My grandma gave this to me before she died." I told my friend that he/she was going to drop it and to leave it alone, but my warnings went unnoticed. As soon as my friend had the plate in his/her hands, it was dropped and the plate shattered at his/her feet. I'm sure the the dish had a lot of sentimental value, but I could not suppress my laughter. The timing was perfect. The look of shock was priceless. The shattering sound was flawless. Hilarious. People do the funniest things when they're drunk, but I'm different.
The difference between myself and drunk people is that I do dumb things when I'm sober as a kitten. I would say at least 75% of my injuries growing up came from trying to make someone laugh and there are countless injuries bound to be caused the same way on the horizon.
There was the time on Christmas morning that I tried to make my sister laugh by finding the biggest piece of compacted snow on the ground. It took all of my might to lift the snow off the ground and heave it into the air directly above my head. In case you didn't know, frozen ice does not crumble apart on impact like powdery snow. I stood smiling with a stupid grin spread across my face as a ten pound rock of ice came crashing down on my head. I got the laugh, but I had a nice bruise on the top of my noggin for the rest of the holiday.
Then there was the time I tried to make my girlfriend laugh in my college dorm room by throwing my head around violently only to introduce my face to the corner of my medicine cabinet. A cold can of Mountain Dew never felt so good against my throbbing forehead. However, it did get the laugh.
Or how about that time I was resetting a room in my third week of being employed by Dave and Buster's? I thought it would make me look cool and fun if I rode the cart full of plates down the ramp into the room. A rolling two-deck cart of plates with momentum is a lot more difficult to stop from crashing into a wall than you would think. For reasons I can't understand, the manager's didn't find the humor in me under a pile of broken china. My coworkers did, though! And they were the ones I was trying to entertain!
Drunk people are hilarious. They do ridiculous things that they can laugh at down the road. They have an excuse, though. "I was drunk." I put myself in physical danger everyday for being a natural clown, but if a laugh is involved, it makes it all worthwhile. I'm convinced I'm going to end up in a wheelchair trying to make someone laugh. I can only hope it' will be a good heartfelt guffaw that will be talked about for years to come.
Listening to Travis.
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