February 2: Waiting

I can't hold it any longer. That plastic cup of warm Coke and ice cubes was a tasty treat, but why do they insist serving drinks so soon into the flight? Oh, God look at the line for the lavatory! There has got to be at least seven people waiting to use that tiny space. I suppose I could wait for the line to die down before getting up, but what if by waiting, more people stand up making me wait even longer to relieve myself? I can't hold it any longer!

Don't look at me because your knee was sticking out into the aisle and I bumped into it! There's plenty of room in front of you for your legs. You know people are using this aisle, so why do you insist on stretching your legs in it? I think I'll raise my arms and grab the overhead compartment on either side of this aisle as I make my way towards that insanely long line of people. Look at me! I'm so casual and carefree as I touch each and every compartment door. Look at my wingspan! I'm touching the ceiling now and looking at people that I pass through my armpits. Man, am I laid back!

Well, here we are. Six people to go. Oh, wait. One just came out. Look at this punk kid wearing his headphones into the restroom. Well excuse me. Punk ass kid doesn't even acknowledge me as he pushes by. Five people to go.

What is that girl reading? Look at her acting like she reads all the time. I bet that's the first book she's opened in over a year. Oh, you're so hip and up to date with your new Dan Brown book. I bet you paid twice as much as you should have in a shop at the airport. You probably won't even finish that thing. Man it feels good with my arms up here. Four people to go.

Boy, you didn't waste any time in there at all, did you. How did you have any time to unbutton your fly, let alone wash your hands? Three people to go.

Whoa! Easy, captain! I practically just fell on top of this sleeping guy that I can see through my right armpit. Yeah, yeah. I'm well aware we're going through some turbulence. I'm on the same plane as you, buddy. You don't have to make an announcement over the address system about it! Man, I'm using both my arms to steady myself against these overhead compartment doors and I can barely stay on my feet! I can't imagine trying to take a leak right now with this shaking. I bet the guy that's in there right now just pissed a hot stream all over the inside of that miniscule room. It's a good thing that I don't have to sit when I go in there. Two people to go.

What is taking so long in there?! I really have to go. What is so difficult? You go in, you do your thing and you get out. Aren't you concerned with what happened with the previous visitor? Man, airplane bathrooms are disgusting! I'm going to feel violated just for urinating after all of these people. I feel nauseous just thinking about it. Oh, hello! Welcome back to the cabin. Did you have a nice getaway? I'm next!

I can't imagine having to sit where this guy has to. He's right next to the door. He doesn't get any privacy at all. Any time any of these people has to go, he gets to watch them enter and leave. He literally gets no leg room at all! Don't even get me started with the stench he has to put up with! Finally. My turn. Hold my breath and enter.