April 17: Douche Defined

You are a fantastic human being. People trust and respect you. You entertain the masses. You're funny, yet sensitive. You're not a follower, but a leader. When you talk, people listen. Rooms light up when you enter. People turn their heads. You have the ability to cause people to lean towards you when they listen. They stop what they were doing when you're near. Sunlight is warmer and shade is cooler. You make living fun. You make people strive to be better at everything. Now if only someone else would believe it too.

You, my friend, are a douche bag. No one likes you. I'm not being mean. I'm being honest. The way you carry yourself. The way you laugh at your own idiotic remarks. The way you try to give constructive criticism only to come across as pompous and pretentious. I have a crazy story, but you always have one crazier and more elaborate.

Your car is littered with opinionated bumper stickers, yet you can't hold an intelligent conversation about any of the topics. You're always hip with the current trend, but you're living paycheck to paycheck. You're a forty-five-year-old video game fanatic. You're sixteen-year-old expert on everything and nothing. You wear Air Jordans and can't make a free throw. You wear Fubu but you're white. You sport a gold chain and cross, but you're not Catholic. You have a San Diego Padres hat, but you can't name two players in the starting lineup. Silhouettes of naked girls ride the mudflaps of your lifted truck.

You use the words "Aight" when you mean alright and "Late" when you mean goodbye. Are you aware that the bill of that ball cap is intended to shade your eyes and not your shoulder? Do you really need to limp when you walk? So you can bench 240, but can you count that high? You have a small patch of hair just below your lower lip and you actually think it looks good. Sunglasses. Sun Glasses. Glasses to be worn in the sun. You wear nonprescription glasses because the frames make you look smarter. You wear a sweater vest with the collared shirt untucked because lazy and unkempt is the fashion. Axe body spray overpowers the scent of Old Spice shower gel and Right Guard Antiperspirant.

You don't know it, but everyone else does. It takes one to know one? I don't think so. Only one word can describe a certain individual. It is a word that upon hearing it in reference about said person, people nod and agree almost instantaneously. Douche bag. Always a man and never a woman. She is a different word. No one likes a douche, but ironically one is never alone. A douche bag doesn't know he's a douche bag which makes him all the more douchey and that makes me laugh.