September 28: The Coors Light Shirt

Tonight is party night. Tonight we're going downtown. We're going to hit the clubs, do some dancing, talk to some pretty girls and bring the party home with us. We're going to drink. We're going to smoke. We'll laugh and swear. We'll eat greasy drive-thru after the alcohol tells our brains how hungry we are. I'm going to do my hair and wear my metal watch. I'm going to wear my black, leather shoes and my hundred dollar, stone-washed denims. I'm going to wear expensive cologne, but I don't know what shirt to wear.

I could wear my black, striped shirt. When buttoned up, it extenuates my athletic figure. When I wear it unbuttoned, I am perceived as hip, cool and laid-back. Either way, I'm a stud. Girls throw themselves at me. They want to be with me. My friends are cool by association. The problem, however, is every guy at the club has a black, striped shirt. Tonight, I want to be different.

I could wear my black Ed Hardy skin-tight shirt. It has skulls and snakes. It has shiny lettering. It shows off my pecs and flat stomach. It's a brand that girls love and respect. Wearing my Ed Hardy skin-tight shirt is like showing up to the club with a Rolex. A Rolex that shows off my biceps and triceps. A Rolex that shows off my back muscles. The skulls represent my toughness in social settings. They say, "Don't mess with me unless your a hot babe." I love my Ed Hardy skin-tight skull and snake shirt. The problem, however, is I wore it to the same clubs last week. People would totally remember it and I would lose all credibility.

My Coors Light t-shirt. Perfect. It's got brand. It has a message: I like to party. I am a fun person to spend the night with. Beer is representative of drunkenness and hilarity. Drunkenness and hilarity simply translate to fun and memories. When I wear my Coors Light t-shirt, the bartender doesn't even have to ask what I want. Girls know that I'm health-conscience because I keep my calories in check. Coors is beer aka loose and calm. Light is health; aka sensitive. I'm a sensitive, laid-back, fun man.

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Every time I go to a bar or club with free giveaways, it's always an alcoholic-sponsored article of clothing. A Jagermeister ball cap. A Cuervo knitted shirt. A Bacardi baby tee. A company wants to get its name and product out there. The free giveaways are meant to bring in a profit. The giveaway doesn't cost the company anything and brings in money. It's a cheap way to advertise. The keyword in the last sentence is cheap.

You can go to Hot Topic and purchase a Coors Light t-shirt for fifteen dollars, but that doesn't mean it's a good shirt to wear to a club. No matter how much you spend on that shirt, the only thing people see is the cheap aspect of it. Are you a Coors Light representative? Are you being paid to flash the logo? Do you have free samples? Do us a favor. Stick to the black, striped shirt and Ed Hardy attire. It's easier to make fun of you when we know you spent a lot of money on your outfit.