September 15: Smart as a Picture of a Fox

Superman has the ability to fly. Spiderman has the ability to shoot webs from his wrists and Houdini could escape from the most complex and perilous of contraptions. My sister can do an uncanny impersonation of Snow White at the wishing well and I have the useless ability to trick people into believing I'm smarter than I truly am.

For reasons unbeknown to me people are always under the impression that I'm über intelligent. Just last night I was talking to a colleague of mine who is light years ahead of me. At some point while watching me wait tables in a Mexican restaurant she came to the conclusion that I was on the same intellectual level as she was. This, I learned last night during our conversation. If she truly believes this admission and isn't simply humoring me with kind remarks, then I am flattered. I'm flattered by the notion of a person with whom I admire as a scholar might think of me reciprocally, but am flummoxed by her reasons.

My parents have always told me how "smart and special" I was, but that's a parent's job. One of the most paramount responsibilities a mother has is to instill a belief of positivity and confidence in her offspring. Without a mother's continual reassuring, no one would have the self-esteem to run countries and make life-altering discoveries. People would lack the self-assurance to build nuclear weapons and winning baseball teams. Without the onslaught of praise and love, the world would cease to function so (no offense, Mom) being told how smart I am doesn't quite register.

I've had employers tell me they had confidence in me based on my intelligence. Friends take my opinions a little more seriously because of this impression I exude. Could it be my decent posture and the way I carry myself? Could it be that I'm not missing any teeth? Maybe it's because I have a college degree and am working in an industry that only requires you to know how to tie your shoes. Maybe it's because I don't swear. My dad always told me people that swore weren't smart enough to use clean words. By not swearing, maybe people are deceived into believing I'm a smart guy. Taking the expletive out of "I'm so f*cking tired," however, isn't exactly rocket science.

I'm not using this medium to express my lack of self-confidence, either. I'm not looking for pity nor am I fishing for compliments. I am simply revealing the genuine me. Sure, I try to read as often as I can and I have more patience during a complicated and intrinsic film plot than most, but that doesn't necessarily translate to a strong intellect. My vocabulary is egregious to the point of nausea. I stutter and stammer through every sentence that falls from my lips. I simply cannot piece together a smooth and uninterrupted thought.

This is how my brain operates. I constantly question every action I take. I wonder if there is a more efficient way to do things. My mind ties itself into knots when I'm driving the streets in a foreign city. Check that. I get lost driving around my home town.

I would take an IQ test to prove to everyone how wrong they are, but I'm afraid the results would just depress me. So I continue on my way of deceiving the world into believing that I am smarter than I truly am. While Houdini is escaping locks and chains under water, I'm trying to form an uninterrupted sentence as people marvel at my astuteness.