October 4: Ice Cream Cone Fool

There's really no way around it. I can wear sunglasses. I can wear the latest designer clothes. I can listen to hip hop or I can listen to Mozart. I can wear flip flops and boardshorts or I can wear Dr. Martins and Diesel jeans. No matter what I do or how I go about it, there is no way to eat an ice cream cone without looking like an idiot.

Before you criticize my intelligence, make sure you read the previous sentence correctly. There is no way to eat an ice cream cone without looking like an idiot. Eating a cup of ice cream from Cold Stone and maintaining a respectable demeanor is achievable. Looking stylish on the beach while enjoying an ice cream sandwich is possible. As silly as the "Choco Taco" brand is, people eat them all the time without appearing foolish. A cone is different.

With a cup of ice cream, I can spoon a small amount into the mouth and allow the sugary treat to melt on my tongue. With a cone, one cannot savor the flavor with bites. When biting into a scoop of ice cream, the nerve endings in the teeth and gums relay rapid messages to the brain to freeze. It is virtually impossible to enjoy an ice cream cone without licking and lapping with the tongue.

I was educated on the proper ice cream cone eating techniques at a very young age by my father. The trick was to enjoy the cone with constant vigilance. The main objective of the ice cream was to melt all over my hand and drip on my clothing. It was my duty to constantly rotate the cone in my hand and lick around the rim of the cone and up toward the apex of the scooped ice cream. If I maintained this routine, the ice cream would never get the chance to create a laundry nightmare for my mother and it would save me the embarrassment of walking around with chocolate on my shirt. Unfortunately, this method does not eliminate the awkwardness of appearing to be an unintelligent simpleton.

Think about it. When you see a guy walking down a sidewalk with his tongue out, do you want to approach him? Do you want to get to know the guy that has his head cocked to the side with a look of pure concentration in his eyes as he laps vanilla into his open mouth? How mature can one in this situation appear to be?

I love eating ice cream cones. It makes me feel five-years-old again. It also makes me look five-years-old. I can't remember the last time I spilled ice cream while enjoying a cone, but it's because of my attention to detail that makes me look so foolish. It doesn't matter if I'm wearing a Hugo Boss shirt from Nordstrom or a Cherokee shirt from Target. No matter what I do, there is no way for me to look cool while eating an ice cream cone.