October 17: Do The Dew

I don't drink Red Bull or Monster. I've never had a Rockstar or a 5-Hour Energy shot. I don't want to "Unleash the Beast," or "Party like a Rockstar." I don't want wings and I don't want to "feel (something that) lasts for hours." Heck, I don't even drink coffee. Granted, I hate the taste of coffee, but I'm more concerned with the caffeine. I don't like the idea of forcing my heart to work harder than it has to just to keep my eyes open. It just seems dangerous.

I'm not going to put my life on the line for any of the aforementioned products because they can offer me a little pick-me-up; they aren't even that refreshing. When I need a cold drink, I want something that's invigorating and stimulating. It's for these reasons that I "Do the Dew" as often as I can. For as long as I can remember, Mountain Dew has been my drink of choice.

It's just that it tastes so unbelievable! I can't even describe the flavor, either. It's somewhere between citrus and pure sugar water. It's not lemon, lime, or orange. It doesn't have the syrupy taste of other colas and it's pure exhilaration. It goes well with everything from Taco Bell to pizza. I like drinking it with chips and salsa and trail mix. I drink it with lunch and pour it on my Cheerios in the morning. Instead of swishing Listerine, I gargle Mountain Dew. I keep a small glass of it on my bedside table in case I get thirsty in the middle of the night and I'm working on a prototype shower faucet that sprays warm dew.

The best part of Mountain Dew? Its contraceptive qualities. Every time I pour myself a tall glass of the carbonated acidic-looking beverage, I know the chances of one of my boys slipping through the cracks decreases. Why worry about always needing a condom when, if I drink enough of it, I can simply fire blanks? Birth control is a billion dollar industry and Wal-Mart has twenty-four packs of Dew on sale for five bucks. "Pop a can, slap an ass" has always been my motto.

I have t-shirts and caps with the green and yellow logo. I have Mountain Dew flags hanging on the walls of my room and on the poles in my yard. Multiple poles. Multiple flags. I have a Dew logo tattooed on my lower back and a Dew decal for my truck. When I lived in California, I made hundreds of dollars each week from recycling so many Dew cans and green, plastic bottles. I prefer the one-liter bottles because they fit in my bike rack easier for those long rides, but I have every size imaginable in my fridge.

I like to freeze it in Dixie cups with straws to make little Dew Popsicles. I use it as a substitute for wine when cooking and dressing for salads. Most people have pictures of their family throughout their homes. I have framed pictures of the Dew logo. I even carry the thin, plastic label from my first Mountain Dew in my wallet!

Red Bull, Monster, Rockstar, 5-Hour, and coffee don't do it for me. They're just too unhealthy. Trust me, one of these days, someone's heart is going to explode from drinking so much caffeine. I care too much about my health to risk drinking any of those energy drinks. I need something natural and organic. I need something cold and refreshing. I need to be jacked up on Mountain Dew!