July 22: Green Light Red Light

I am cruising. Not speeding; just cruising. Okay, that's not entirely true. I'm traveling five to ten miles an hour over the speed limit, but it's not like I'm going crazy here. I am simply cruising. It's 11:32 in the evening and I'm the only one on the road. Ahead in the distance I see the bright glow of the green light illuminating the road and nearby surroundings. I maintain my speed and prepare to fly through the intersection. The light changes, however, to yellow and finally rests on red just as I approach the crosswalk.

I turn my head to the right and see nothing for miles. I turn my head to the left and guess what, nothing! No one is coming from either direction and no one is waiting to turn left through the intersection. There aren't any pedestrians or emergency vehicles anywhere. The best part: Every traffic light at the intersection is red. Why am I stopped? Why am I sitting here like an idiot?

As I sit there with a blank expression on my face and an idle engine, I stare forward lost in frustration at the scenario. Should I go anyway? Who would see me? Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I notice a change in the illumination on the streets. I take my foot off the break and prepare to accelerate through the intersection when I realize that the change was not my light. It was the cross-street's! Well, that's just great. The cars that aren't there can now continue with their nightly journey.

After what seems like hours, my light goes from red to green and I can continue with my own journey. Pissed off, I drive through the night trying to make sense of it all. I just don't understand how traffic lights work and it really bothers me. I thought there was some kind of sensor; whether it be on the light itself or in the pavement. Don't tell me they're on a timer because that would just be dumb.

When I was younger (and sometimes now when I'm trying to be funny with a passenger) I would flick my high beams on and off in a situation like this. I used to think that I could trick the traffic light into thinking I was an oncoming emergency vehicle. Now, I tell my passengers that it works and hope that I get them to try it the next time they find themselves in the situation.

However it works, it needs to be remedied. Right now, we're just encouraging road rage. I know I speak for others when I say that I find myself speeding even more to make up for lost time after sitting for no reason. I've been told that the way my headlights reflect off of the road could have an effect on how the traffic light reacts, but that's just silly. I've had traffic lights force me to stop in the middle of the day, so how do you explain that one?

We're allowed to turn right at a red light, so why can't we drive through an intersection when it's clearly safe to do so? If I ever run for office, this is what I would change. I guarantee you people would eat it up.

July 11: Parking in Rear

Is there anything more annoying than not being able to find a parking spot? Yes. Is there anything more annoying than finding a parking spot in a crowded lot only to find that the car in the adjacent spot can't stay in the lines? Yes. Is there anything more annoying than going out to your car in a crowded parking lot only to find that some lunatic decided to park directly behind you when you're clearly parked right in front of a pole? No.

How a person could possibly be so dumb is beyond me. It would be one thing if a group of us all parked in one lot, left, and returned together. But to visit a large restaurant that seats over four hundred people and park behind a complete stranger is mind boggling.

Did this person do this because I drive a truck and he or she assumed I would be able to shift in to four-wheel drive and climb over the pole? Did they do it because they saw the SD on my rear window and they were die-hard Dodgers fans? Maybe it was a guest that I served the previous week in which I gave lousy service and they happened to see me drive home that night. Yes. It must have been the latter.

I think that people get so angry when driving around a crowded lot that they'll do anything for a spot. That's proven every year at every summer street fair. People are willing to pay twenty dollars to be able to turn their vehicles off. Schools, private homes and businesses, and parks make a killing from their lots and driveways. Maybe this person made two or three laps around the huge parking lot and decided that they weren't going to take a fourth. The next open space they saw was where they were going to park their Nissan SUV. That space just happened to be directly behind my truck.

Thankfully, I was able to maneuver my truck around the pole and over a curb without hitting any other vehicles to get out. It didn't take away the frustration, though, had accrued upon witnessing the lack of intelligence this Nissan driver had so generously displayed. Just when I didn't think there could be anything more annoying than finding that my truck had been blocked in, it happened again.

February 14: Hypocrisy

What is this guy in front of me doing? First he signals, then he turns it off. Then he weaves to the left as if about to change lanes, and then he straightens out. Oh, great! Now he's braking! What is he braking for? There isn't anyone in front of him. We're not at a stop light. What on Earth is he braking for? If only I had a chance to pass him. What if he's drunk though? I've heard that you're never supposed to pass a drunk driver. Or am I not supposed to let a drunk driver pass me? Oh, man I can't remember. Okay, now's my chance. Here we go. Of course! The idiot's on his cell phone. "Get off the phone and drive, pal!"

Doesn't this guy know it's against the law to drive and talk on the cellphone at the same time? I mean, why doesn't he just go over the speed limit too if the rules don't apply to him? He might as well run some red lights or make an illegal U-Turn. If you're going to break the law, you might as well do something fun.

Here I am minding my own business and I have to slow down because he decides that he's not going to obey the...hold on...I just got a text message. Oh, no way! My buddy just got engaged! I have to send him a congratulatory text. C...o...n...g...r...a...y...oops...backspace...t...s...!...!...1. Now where was I? Oh, yeah. I'm minding my own business trying to get to the drive-thru before it closes and I have to change my driving patterns because of people like this. I mean, not only is it unsafe for you and other drivers, but it's rude and inconsiderate to the people around you. Are you really that important that you have to be on the phone wherever you are?

Give me a second. I just pulled up to the drive-thru. "Hi, yeah um can I get a number 2, but no cheese? Coke's fine. No that's it. Okay, thanks." I love the number 2. I get it every time I come here. I've had other things, sure, but you just can't beat the number 2. Hold on. "Hi. There you go. I might have 82 cents in here somewhere for you. Well here's 85. Ketchup? Um, yeah I'll take a few packets. Great, thanks, you too."

You know, the number 2 is so good that I can't even wait until I get home to eat it! Besides, it doesn't taste right if it's not hot. Oh man, this Coke is good! Look at this thing! Does this look like the picture to you? What is this?! Man, I told her no cheese! Welp, too late now! It's still pretty good. Now, where was I?

Oh yeah. People driving and talking on the phone. I hate that so much. You know what's even worse? By the way, this burger is fantastic! What's even worse is when people are changing their music and driving too! Playing with the iPod and not paying any attention to the road. I'm really surprised you don't hear about more accidents being caused by these sorts of things. I think the media should be forced to report every time an accident was caused by a cell phone or an iPod/radio/CD player/GPS.

Why can't other drivers be more like me? Am I the only one that obeys the rules? Am I the only...hold on...oh, man! My buddy already has a date set for his bachelor's party! This is going to be sick!