December 23: It's Not DiGiorno; It's Sh*t!

DiGiorno has got it all figured out. The frozen pizza giants have something great and it may not be what you think it is. Good value? Convenient? Easy? The pizza itself? All wrong. DiGiorno's slogan is, "It's not delivery. It's DiGiorno" and it gets me every time.

A candle-lit table is set. The Chianti is pored and the salad is waiting patiently to be served. Two people (most of the time lovers) sit down with a piping hot pizza to share. The female takes a bite, slowly chews, and exhales a slow, satisfied breath. "I didn't even hear the doorbell," she exclaims. It's the perfect time for our protagonist male to smugly announce the slogan. The woman grabs her pizza and storms out of the room while making accusations of her lover being a liar.

You see, DiGiorno pizza is supposed to be so good that people think it's delivery. But that's not the case. It's DiGiorno - purchased in the freezer section of the neighborhood grocery store. Here's the catch, though: DiGiorno pizza is terrible. For only $4.95 and fifteen minutes, you can have a large pizza; a large pizza that tastes of dog breath, that is. Anyone that would confuse the steaming disc of processed meats and cheeses I pulled out of my oven tonight with delivered pizza must dine at some pretty lousy venues.

I don't know if it gets its sawdust flavor from the cardboard box it comes in or if that's its natural taste, but I'm not a fan. The pepperoni is rubbery, the cheese is greasy, and the sauce is too deceivingly hot! I have never had a DiGiorno pizza without burning the roof of my mouth. Not only do I have a bad-tasting dinner, but now I have a piece of skin for my tongue to play with for the next few days. What a deal!

So what's so great about DiGiorno, you ask? Well their slogan is, of course. Either that, or their ability to market their product to jerks like me. I've purchased the pizza at least five times before tonight and hated every experience, yet here I am blogging about another one. Somehow, the advertisers at the frozen pizza company have found a way to fool me into buying their product over and over again. Who cares if that product is crap? As long as people buy it, right? So yeah. I would say DiGiorno has it all figured out.