July 22: Green Light Red Light

I am cruising. Not speeding; just cruising. Okay, that's not entirely true. I'm traveling five to ten miles an hour over the speed limit, but it's not like I'm going crazy here. I am simply cruising. It's 11:32 in the evening and I'm the only one on the road. Ahead in the distance I see the bright glow of the green light illuminating the road and nearby surroundings. I maintain my speed and prepare to fly through the intersection. The light changes, however, to yellow and finally rests on red just as I approach the crosswalk.

I turn my head to the right and see nothing for miles. I turn my head to the left and guess what, nothing! No one is coming from either direction and no one is waiting to turn left through the intersection. There aren't any pedestrians or emergency vehicles anywhere. The best part: Every traffic light at the intersection is red. Why am I stopped? Why am I sitting here like an idiot?

As I sit there with a blank expression on my face and an idle engine, I stare forward lost in frustration at the scenario. Should I go anyway? Who would see me? Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I notice a change in the illumination on the streets. I take my foot off the break and prepare to accelerate through the intersection when I realize that the change was not my light. It was the cross-street's! Well, that's just great. The cars that aren't there can now continue with their nightly journey.

After what seems like hours, my light goes from red to green and I can continue with my own journey. Pissed off, I drive through the night trying to make sense of it all. I just don't understand how traffic lights work and it really bothers me. I thought there was some kind of sensor; whether it be on the light itself or in the pavement. Don't tell me they're on a timer because that would just be dumb.

When I was younger (and sometimes now when I'm trying to be funny with a passenger) I would flick my high beams on and off in a situation like this. I used to think that I could trick the traffic light into thinking I was an oncoming emergency vehicle. Now, I tell my passengers that it works and hope that I get them to try it the next time they find themselves in the situation.

However it works, it needs to be remedied. Right now, we're just encouraging road rage. I know I speak for others when I say that I find myself speeding even more to make up for lost time after sitting for no reason. I've been told that the way my headlights reflect off of the road could have an effect on how the traffic light reacts, but that's just silly. I've had traffic lights force me to stop in the middle of the day, so how do you explain that one?

We're allowed to turn right at a red light, so why can't we drive through an intersection when it's clearly safe to do so? If I ever run for office, this is what I would change. I guarantee you people would eat it up.

July 11: Parking in Rear

Is there anything more annoying than not being able to find a parking spot? Yes. Is there anything more annoying than finding a parking spot in a crowded lot only to find that the car in the adjacent spot can't stay in the lines? Yes. Is there anything more annoying than going out to your car in a crowded parking lot only to find that some lunatic decided to park directly behind you when you're clearly parked right in front of a pole? No.

How a person could possibly be so dumb is beyond me. It would be one thing if a group of us all parked in one lot, left, and returned together. But to visit a large restaurant that seats over four hundred people and park behind a complete stranger is mind boggling.

Did this person do this because I drive a truck and he or she assumed I would be able to shift in to four-wheel drive and climb over the pole? Did they do it because they saw the SD on my rear window and they were die-hard Dodgers fans? Maybe it was a guest that I served the previous week in which I gave lousy service and they happened to see me drive home that night. Yes. It must have been the latter.

I think that people get so angry when driving around a crowded lot that they'll do anything for a spot. That's proven every year at every summer street fair. People are willing to pay twenty dollars to be able to turn their vehicles off. Schools, private homes and businesses, and parks make a killing from their lots and driveways. Maybe this person made two or three laps around the huge parking lot and decided that they weren't going to take a fourth. The next open space they saw was where they were going to park their Nissan SUV. That space just happened to be directly behind my truck.

Thankfully, I was able to maneuver my truck around the pole and over a curb without hitting any other vehicles to get out. It didn't take away the frustration, though, had accrued upon witnessing the lack of intelligence this Nissan driver had so generously displayed. Just when I didn't think there could be anything more annoying than finding that my truck had been blocked in, it happened again.

July 4: Cut it Out

The other day I went to the bank to make a deposit. I was lucky to find a spot right out front because it was pouring. It wasn't just raining really hard, though. Rain was falling so hard and vigorously that I had to turn my wipers to the fastest setting; something I've rarely ever had to do.

Anyway, I found this great spot in front of the local bank, grabbed my cash, tucked my chin into my chest, and ran inside. I kept my head down as I watched my feet make their way to the counter of deposit slips, but I still saw the girl watching me out of the corner of my eye. I figured she was just an employee of the bank that wanted to give me the fake hello that she was required to give so I minded my own business.

As I counted my money once more before writing the total to be deposited, I felt her continued gaze. What did this woman want? Why was she staring at me? Now it was just awkward. I refused to let myself look up and make eye contact with this nut. Other people came in and joined me at the counter, but she didn't move. She just kept staring and staring.

Once the form was completed and I had my money, I was about to get in line to speak with a teller when I looked up. The woman was still standing there. She was wearing a navy blue pant suit and she actually looked pretty good. Her blonde hair had a soft shine to it and her fake smile glowed. Her face had the same shine that her hair did and so did her eyes. She was a life size cardboard cutout advertising home loans.

I don't really know how I feel about these things. I think they're hilarious when used in the right context. My friend has a life size Gollum from The Lord of the Rings films and we had our fun scaring people with it in college. We would hide it in the bathroom to wait for unsuspecting guests and we got a kick out of it each time they jumped. When I was younger, I had a Jessica Rabbit cutout that was great but I don't know what happened to it. Come to think of it, I wish I still had it. She would really tie my room together.

A cutout of a person in a public building is different, though. I'm always a little on edge when I step inside a bank because I always have so much cash on me. I don't want to talk to anyone and I don't want to make eye contact with anyone either. I want to go in, drop off my money and be done with the whole thing. Walking into that situation and immediately feeling like someone is glaring at me is not cool.

I haven't been to Petco Park since Trevor Hoffman departed, so I wouldn't be surprised if his cutout has been removed from the team store but his was kind of cool. Granted, he was in uniform and had his trademark leg up in the air as if about to throw a pitch so it wasn't as easy to be confused for a real person. But it was Trevor Hoffman!

My mom used to tell me that there was a time and a place for everything. She was mostly talking about me acting obnoxious and rambunctious, but I think the same applies to life size cutouts. If your intentions are to scare the crap out of people, then they're great. If you're trying to get people to ask you about mortgage rates, come up with something different.