August 5: Blast Laughter

We were all standing around waiting for the evening rush to begin. It was a relatively cold evening and those of us that were scheduled to work the patio didn't have anything to do other than to gripe about what a waste it was for us to be there. I, of course, was trying to make the good looking new girl laugh without looking like I was trying. I wanted to appear personable so I was including the entire group in my jokes. Little did I know that this new-hire had a sense of humor of her own.

I don't exactly remember what she said, but I know I was the only one that laughed; and I laughed hard. There weren't any guests on the patio; just the four of us which made my guffaw that much louder. I had mixed feelings of cold and nervousness and I wanted her to think I thought she was funny. I wanted her to see what a laid-back kind of guy I was so I threw my head back, closed my eyes, and bellowed out a hearty laugh that awoke the silent, winter air. When I opened my eyes the other three members of our group stared with blank faces. "It wasn't that funny," one of them said.

We've all done it. A reporter interviewing a star athlete will unintentionally laugh louder than usual at a wise-guy answer. A nervous employee trying to keep his anxiety buried until one small joke allows it to erupt in one loud, obnoxious burst. A punk waiter trying to impress the new girl at work.

One of my favorite movie scenes is from Mary Poppins when Mary is scolding Burt and the children about laughing. She begins explaining that some people laugh through their noses and follows it with an example. After Uncle Albert hisses with laughter at her imitation, she goes on to sing about people that laugh through their teeth. This stops everyone in their tracks until Burt describes people that laugh too fast and those that only blast. HAAAAA!

It's hilarious when it happens. In fact, it's a joke in and of itself! It's embarrassing and fantastic at the same time because you make an ass out of yourself when that's exactly what you were trying avoid.

July 4: Cut it Out

The other day I went to the bank to make a deposit. I was lucky to find a spot right out front because it was pouring. It wasn't just raining really hard, though. Rain was falling so hard and vigorously that I had to turn my wipers to the fastest setting; something I've rarely ever had to do.

Anyway, I found this great spot in front of the local bank, grabbed my cash, tucked my chin into my chest, and ran inside. I kept my head down as I watched my feet make their way to the counter of deposit slips, but I still saw the girl watching me out of the corner of my eye. I figured she was just an employee of the bank that wanted to give me the fake hello that she was required to give so I minded my own business.

As I counted my money once more before writing the total to be deposited, I felt her continued gaze. What did this woman want? Why was she staring at me? Now it was just awkward. I refused to let myself look up and make eye contact with this nut. Other people came in and joined me at the counter, but she didn't move. She just kept staring and staring.

Once the form was completed and I had my money, I was about to get in line to speak with a teller when I looked up. The woman was still standing there. She was wearing a navy blue pant suit and she actually looked pretty good. Her blonde hair had a soft shine to it and her fake smile glowed. Her face had the same shine that her hair did and so did her eyes. She was a life size cardboard cutout advertising home loans.

I don't really know how I feel about these things. I think they're hilarious when used in the right context. My friend has a life size Gollum from The Lord of the Rings films and we had our fun scaring people with it in college. We would hide it in the bathroom to wait for unsuspecting guests and we got a kick out of it each time they jumped. When I was younger, I had a Jessica Rabbit cutout that was great but I don't know what happened to it. Come to think of it, I wish I still had it. She would really tie my room together.

A cutout of a person in a public building is different, though. I'm always a little on edge when I step inside a bank because I always have so much cash on me. I don't want to talk to anyone and I don't want to make eye contact with anyone either. I want to go in, drop off my money and be done with the whole thing. Walking into that situation and immediately feeling like someone is glaring at me is not cool.

I haven't been to Petco Park since Trevor Hoffman departed, so I wouldn't be surprised if his cutout has been removed from the team store but his was kind of cool. Granted, he was in uniform and had his trademark leg up in the air as if about to throw a pitch so it wasn't as easy to be confused for a real person. But it was Trevor Hoffman!

My mom used to tell me that there was a time and a place for everything. She was mostly talking about me acting obnoxious and rambunctious, but I think the same applies to life size cutouts. If your intentions are to scare the crap out of people, then they're great. If you're trying to get people to ask you about mortgage rates, come up with something different.