July 18: What's in a Number?

You're at a bar having a good time with your friends. The music is bumpin' and the adrenaline is pumpin'. There might be some sports highlights on a nearby screen and everyone seems to be in a fairly jovial mood.

A group of girls comes in and one of them catches your eye. You let her settle in and get a drink. You face your group of friends but your focus is on the girl. You observe her take notice when you make a joke. She's listening, but keeping her distance.

Finally, you work up the nerve to break the ice by saying something dumb like, "What're you drinkin' there?" She answers and just like that you find yourself having a light-hearted conversation with a complete stranger. Suddenly time shifts into overdrive and before you know it, your group of friends is ready to move on. You let your new friend know that you have to go, but that you want to continue the conversation so you ask for her number.

You make little jokes about how you've never met someone with so many 3's in her number or how this is the first phone number you've ever received. Once you have the tenth digit (area code included), you press send which calls her phone and in turn, gives her your number. You say your goodbyes and you walk away with a little extra skip in your step after successfully closing the deal.

Fast forward a few days. Fast forward to a time when you're sober and alone at home. Fast forward to a time where you barely remember what she looked like or how she sounded when she laughed. Fast forward to you holding your phone and searching through your contacts until you find her first name with the name of the bar where you met in parenthesis. Fast forward to you sitting with the receiver just grazing your ear as the distant ring sends sound waves bouncing against your drum.

Is there anything more awkward than that first conversation? I'm not exaggerating either. The first time you dial the number and she picks up has got to be right up there with sitting naked in homeroom. Maybe it's because I'm a complete turd and know absolutely nothing about talking to girls, but I never have anything intelligent to say after, "Hey, it's Brandon from the bar."

I was just thinking about you and thought I would call. Pathetic. Well, it's been three days since I received your number and here I am calling you. Laughable. I could use a cold beer and thought about places that sell beers and I thought about the bar I was at three days ago and remembered meeting you and getting your number and now I'm calling you. It's as good as anything else I have.

There is always the rhetorical, "Hey, how's it going?" question. I think we all know how I feel about these questions, but I always answer the same way: "Great, how are you?" This always leads to her saying that she's been busy with blah blah blah or yadda yadda yadda which turns into a conversation where I ask her everything about the activity. Before I know it, she's told me a half an hour worth of material and I've recited nothing about what I've been up to.

I don't think I'm complaining because I hate talking about myself. (I'd rather write a blog about myself every day for a year....) These conversations are funny because she always ends up telling me some pretty personal things (Mom was just diagnosed with Parkinson's, Dad's an alcoholic, Step Dad used to scream obscenities at her and her mom, etc. etc.). I don't know if it's my expert ways of asking probing questions or my fantastic listening skills, but on more than one occasion a girl has said, "Now that you know my life story, what about you?"

Come to think of it, this first conversation isn't all that bad. Sure they all start the same and I can't stand monotony, but I end up listening to some pretty interesting things. I rarely have to worry about stuttering and stammering because she's doing all the talking. No, those initial phone conversations aren't that bad at all. Now if I could only work up the nerve to go and talk to more girls...

February 3: Can I Call You Sometime?

There are quite a few things in this world that I don't understand. I don't get the fascination with Farmville or Twilight. I don't know how the economy works and I barely understand plate tectonics. But above all these mysteries, I don't understand how the female mind works. Aside from Mel Gibson, I don't think anyone really knows what women want or why they do the things they do.

There is a fantastic Mexican restaurant in California that my friends and I would frequent upwards of a few times a month. This restaurant not only has great food, but it's just a stone's throw from the beach in a beautiful city. The atmosphere is casual and laid back and the prices are reasonable. On top of all that, the girls working there are amazing. I don't think I've ever been to a restaurant with such a high concentration of good looking waitresses and this was the main reason my friends and I would visit.

I was first introduced to the small restaurant by a friend. At the time, I didn't have cable and I would drive to this friend's house to watch Survivor every Thursday. One week, he suggested we go to this restaurant before watching the show. There was a waitress there that he had developed a small crush on and he knew that she worked on Thursday nights.

After visiting, I found a different waitress that I developed a thing for and I was amazed by the great food. I was hooked. A few weeks later, we brought a third friend with us and he too found a waitress (coincidentally the sister of my crush) that he had the hots for. Amazingly enough, we all liked different girls. This third friend (we'll call him John) was the only one to take it to the next level.

John was the kind of guy that was very outgoing and friendly to every person he came in contact with. He could do or say things that would be perceived as funny and charming when if I did or said the same things, it came across as creepy and weird. Because of this natural ability, he was able to visit the restaurant by himself, sit at the bar, and make small talk with his girl (we'll call her Jane). Before long, Jane recognized John when he came in and would give a more personal wave/hello each time he entered.

After doing this for a few weeks, John was confident enough to ask for Jane's number. I went with John on a night that he knew Jane was working. Towards the end of our meal, Jane took her break, ordered herself some food and sat down at the end of the bar before she had to get back to work. We paid our tab at the counter and I sat back down at our table as John walked confidently over to Jane and out of my earshot. After a few moments, he walked back towards me with a huge grin spread across his face and we left. According to him, this is what was said when he approached her:

"Hey, Jane. How's it goin'?" he asked

"Hi, John (yes, she remembered his name). I'm doing well. Just taking my break. How are you?"

"I'm okay. Hey, I would really like to call you sometime if that's alright."

"Well I guess you'll need my number then, won't you?" she said with a flirty smile.

"Yeah, well that would probably help."

Just like that, she gave him her digits and he entered them into his phone. Sounds pretty good, doesn't it? You might even say it sounds promising. Well John was feeling pretty good after that night; and rightfully so. He just got a pretty girl's number with hard work and dedication. She knew and remembered his name and she didn't hesitate at all when giving him her number.

Three days later (We're followers of rules, here) John found the saved number in his phone and pressed Send. Jane didn't answer so he left a nice message: "Hey, Jane. It's John from (the name of the restaurant). I was just calling to see what you were doing this weekend. Maybe we can hang out or do something. Anyway, give me a call back when you get this message. Bye."

No response. No text. No call back. Nothing. OK, we thought. Maybe she didn't get the message. Maybe she heard the message and out of habit erased it and accidentally lost his number. Well, John called back a few days later only to leave another message. John never heard from Jane. And scene!

This is what I don't get. Good looking girls have to be getting approached all the time. My assumption is that when they go to a bar, they rarely buy their own drinks. They're either given at least one number every time they go out or they are asked at least once for their numbers. With all of this experience with having guys approach them, wouldn't you think that they could come up with a better way of rejecting someone? I understand that they don't want to go out with everyone that approaches them, but why give out their numbers? Why give the guy hope?

John left the restaurant that night feeling like a million bucks. I would have put a hundred dollars on him at least having a phone conversation with Jane. She didn't have any intention at all of ever talking to him. She could have at least lied! "That sounds great, John, but unfortunately I have a boyfriend and I don't think that would be a very good idea."

Sure, being told that would sting, but at least it wouldn't give John hope that something could happen. It's really difficult to approach a girl and work up the nerve to ask for her number, but when you think you've succeeded and you haven't, it hurts even more.

I've put a number of girls in similar hypothetical situations and they all tell me that they would have done the same thing. Why is this?! We don't like it. How does it make it any easier on you to give us your phone number? Most of you have your first and last names on your voicemail greeting. If anything, you've just given us fuel to cyber-stalk the hell out of you. And we did! I know WAY more about Jane now than I would have ever known if she actually went out with John. I know where she's from, who her siblings are (I'm still in love with her sister, by the way), what she did in high school, and what career path she's taking. I even know that her dad passed away a few years ago!

There are a lot of things I don't understand. I'll never fully understand the concept of antimatter or the string theory, but I don't even know where to begin with girls. I find them fantastic, intriguing, extremely fun to be with, and confusing as hell.