In order to grow into a healthy and happy adult, there are a few paramount events of childhood that every little boy and girl should experience. Learning how to ride a bicycle is one and having sleepovers is another. To write every one down would take a very long time, but the one that I never got around to when I was younger, was sporting a great milk mustache.
You see, I grew up on 1% milk. In order to get a real good 'stache, it's important to drink a milk with a higher fat content. Nonfat (or skim) milk is white water and 1% is one small step toward a more creamy consistency. Because the beverage has so little (for lack of a better word) density to it, it can't cling to the upper lip. Even if you hold the cup to your mouth for a minute or two and let your lip soak in the liquid, the milk will simply drain off the lip leaving it clean and maybe a bit shiny.
For 25 cents, a child could get a small carton of milk at lunchtime. This milk was not 1%. If I remember correctly, it was "Vitamin D" (whole) or 2%. The latter would have worked fine for a nice milk mustache, but unfortunately the "small carton" was just that. The opening to the cardboard container was always too narrow to adequately be a source of mustache growth.
While kids were moving on to skateboarding, dating, alcohol, sex, and drugs, I was stuck trying to get milk to stick to my lip to make people laugh. My life hit a wall and it has never progressed passed that crucial point in my childhood. If my mom would have only served a percent more of fat, I would have developed into a normal adult. This very well could be the reason I come up with ridiculous New Year's resolutions.
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